Children Will Do What We Do, Not What We Tell Them to Do

A while back a parent told me a story I haven't been able to stop thinking about.

It had been a full day at an amusement park. The whole family. Tickets, rides, the lunch in the park that costs more than dinner anywhere else. Treats. Hours of fun. The kind of day a parent saves up for and looks forward to.

On the way home, the kid asked if they could stop at Cold Stone for ice cream.

The parent felt that flash of exasperation any parent will recognize. The "we just spent the whole day giving you everything and now you want more?" reaction. The sense that the child had no idea what the day had cost — not just in dollars, but in everything else that goes into making it happen.

That feeling is fair. But I want to sit with it a moment longer, because I think there's something worth noticing inside it.

How often have we done exactly the same thing? Treated ourselves to something, and then, before the receipt was even put away, found something else we wanted? Spent money on dinner out, only to look at a dress on the way home priced at "I'd be crazy to leave this here"? Felt full from one indulgence and then noticed another one we couldn't pass up?

Is there ever a limit to a person's wants? Honestly, I don't think there is. Not for kids. Not for adults. The hunger for the next thing is part of being human.

So the question isn't really how do I make my child stop wanting more. The question is closer to: how do any of us learn to feel full?

There's only one thing I've ever found that helps, and it doesn't come naturally to anyone. It's being thankful. Actually thankful. Specifically thankful. Noticing what you already have for long enough that the noticing slows you down before you reach for the next thing.

That's a hard practice for adults. It's an even harder practice for kids. But here's what I keep coming back to — we can't really demand it from them if we're not doing it ourselves. They aren't going to learn gratitude from a lecture. They're going to learn it from watching whether we slow down before we reach for the next thing.

Children will do what we do, not what we tell them to do.

So maybe the moment in the car — the one where the kid asks for Cold Stone after a whole day of treats — isn't really a moment to correct the kid. Maybe it's a moment to catch ourselves first.

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