Restrain the Negative, Practice the Positive

Our neighbors have three children. Every time they come over, we notice the same thing — the way they include each other, help each other, defer to each other. They are a pleasure to have around.

I mentioned it to their mother once. I told her how sweetly her children interact, and she must be proud of the way they treat each other. She smiled and said, "A lot of people tell me that. They do — until they don't."

I hadn't seen the until they don't.

I've thought about that a lot since.

Since I have not seen what they are like when they do not get along, I can't speak to whether they get frustrated with each other, or impatient or unkind. But what's impressive about them is that they restrain that behavior when they come over, or when we visit with their parents and they are around.

It brought to mind how my mother always used to tell us that she expected our best behavior when we had company. Some might take that as asking the children to be inauthentic — as pressuring them to be something they are not. But looking back, I can see what it taught us. It taught us how to behave around adults. It gave us the chance to practice not displaying certain behaviors. It taught us what was appropriate and what wasn't. And quietly, it taught us that some of the work of becoming a good person is learning what to hold back.

KindCoin was built with this philosophy in mind. Restrain the negative, practice the positive.

Character isn't only what a child does. It's also what they choose not to do — the sharp word not said, the sibling not shoved, the impulse not acted on. Guidance and practice matter, but without restraint, character drifts toward the easy path — the reactive, comfortable path — because nothing has been named as off-limits.

The three balance each other. Restraint keeps us from harm. Guidance shows us the way. Practice makes it stick.

This is a filter that will serve a child through their whole life. In friendships and marriages, in workplaces and disagreements, in the small daily choices no one else sees. The child who learns to hold back the sharp word at seven is the adult who can hold back the sharp word at thirty.

Restrain the negative. Practice the positive.

That's the work.