Teaching Children What to Do With Big Feelings

Most of us grew up being told what to do with our feelings.

Some of us were taught to hide them — don't cry, don't be angry, be nice. Others of us are now telling our children to feel everything — all feelings are okay, sit with what you're feeling, honor the emotion.

I wonder if the real answer is somewhere in between.

Could we teach a child to become aware of a feeling, but examine it before letting it out into the world?

I was scrolling through Instagram recently and I heard part of an interview mention a phrase that stayed with me.

"All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not."

I couldn't deny the truth of those two sentences.

It made me think of the volume dial on my car radio. Most days I keep it low, but every once in a while I turn it up. If the song is enjoyable, I sing along. If a song comes on that distracts from a conversation I'm having, I dial it way down.

I've been wondering if that dial could show us something about our emotions.

If a feeling is happy, we might dial it up. Enjoy it.

But what about a feeling that could ruin a relationship? What should we do with that one? Silence it? Modulate it?

I think modulating is closer to the answer.

It offers a picture of choosing the level — a discipline of self-governance.

Suppression says: Pretend the feeling isn't there.

Indulgence says: Do whatever the feeling tells you.

Restraint says: Recognize the feeling, then choose the appropriate response.

Or more simply:

Suppression ignores. Indulgence obeys. Restraint chooses.

That's the discipline. Reading the moment. Choosing the appropriate response. Because we all want to be appropriate.

Some moments call for a big response. Most don't. The daily work is learning the difference — and choosing the response that fits.

Think of the child who was so happy they wanted to run through the house shouting — and instead learned to save the running for outside, and the shouting for the yard. That's a small dial-turn. Nothing dramatic. But it's the same discipline we hope they carry into a hundred harder moments.

It's dialing up a low. It's toning down a high. It's choosing the appropriate response to the moment — not the one our emotion wants to give.

If we can learn to do that within ourselves, we've achieved much.

So how do we teach it to our children?

By modeling it.

Once we have some control of our own dial, we can begin teaching them theirs. Until then, we shouldn't expect from our children what we haven't yet practiced ourselves.

Because children are great copiers of our behavior. The younger they are, the more we shape what they will become.

"All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not."

The work is in what happens between the two.